Romance and Dating Scams - How to Stay Safe and Have a Legitimate Online Romance

The Tender Swindler, Simon Leviev, cheated many women.

You may have heard of the "Tender Swindler," Simon Leviev, an Israeli man who has "borrowed" hundreds of thousands of dollars from a number of women around the world.  He spends weeks romancing women through the dating site, Tender, often meeting them and taking them on incredibly romantic, luxurious dates.  Gradually, he wins their confidence, "borrows" money from them, and disappears, frequently leaving the women broke. He has been interviewed on TV, and insists he feels absolutely no guilt about what he has done.  In fact, he is currently working on a book and movie about his escapades, which means he has found another way to profit off it! Technically, what he is done has not landed him in jail, because the women willingly "gave" him the money, and none of them asked him to sign anything saying he would pay them back. 

While you might not be the next victim of the infamous Tender Swindler, you could still fall for someone on a dating website who makes you feel special and important, only to gradually find yourself sending them money to help them with a little cash shortfall or financial reversal.  Sometimes these people spend months "reeling you in" like a fish.  They might meet you in person, or only be someone you know online. Either way, it is wise to be smart and cautious anytime you meet someone new.

You may also want to read some true books which have been written by victims of romance scams.  These books are fascinating to read, and can help open your eyes about how these scammers work.  A couple of good choices are:  "Unhappily Ever After: A Romance Scam" and "Broken."  (Ad) Both books cost just a few dollars, and are much cheaper than what you might lose to a clever scam. After you read these books, you will realize how even smart people can become a victim of these types of scams.  You might also give one of these books to someone who loves to read, and who you believe might be vulnerable to this type of scam.

With education, we may be able to reduce the number of future victims of romance scams. AARP has also come up with some tips which could help everyone, especially older adults, learn how to identify someone who may try to scam them out of money through a social media or dating site.  While these tips are directed at senior citizens, they actually apply to people of all ages who are looking for romance.

How to Spot a Romance Scam

It can start on any online site.  While we often think of dating sites as the source of these scams, about one-third of the people who lost money in 2021 in a dating scam reported that the initial connection started through social media such as Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter.  Many of those good looking people who send you a direct message or try to contact you privately through social media may be trying to trick you into falling for their scams.

The scammers usually do not try to meet in person, although there are exceptions.  Often they explain that they live in another part of the country or they are overseas, but "something about your profile made them want to get to know you better."  Of course, this is not always true. The Tender Swindler met the women he scammed in person and, shockingly, he is still doing it! 

They often move slowly, but contact you regularly.  The scammers want the connection and feeling of trust to build, before they try to get you to send them money, so they may not try to rush you.  Of course, you need to realize that most of them are also messaging several other potential victims at the same time, so there is no reason for them to rush you.  Sooner or later, though, they will sense that you are ready to "help them out of a bad situation."  They look for people who seem kind-hearted and who are always trying to help them.  The nicer you are, the more likely they will choose you as their next victim.

They tell you how much they want to meet you in person, but some emergency always comes up.  This can be the beginning of the money drain. They tell you about their problems, and explain that they need money quickly to solve them.  It could be money to cover a medical bill or a business issue.  They may also suggest that they have plenty of money, but it is tied up in an investment or because of a banking problem.  In those cases, they will assure you that they will pay you back. Whatever problems they describe, the bottom line is that they want you to send them money in a hurry.  

They ask that the money be sent to them in a form that is hard-to-trace. They might ask you to buy gift cards or debit cards and text them the codes on the back of the cards or read them aloud over the phone.  They might also ask for cryptocurrency, or for a bank or wire transfer.  Once they have the numbers off the back of the gift cards, they can use them and the funds are untraceable.  It is virtually impossible to get your money refunded.

They promise to pay you back, but never manage to do it.  After you send them some money to help them out, they come up with reasons for you to send more and more.  Many of them have practiced this for years and have plenty of reasons why they need the money, and even more excuses for why they have not paid you back.

Romance scams can sometimes turn into something even more sinister, such as money laundering or investment in fraudulent cryptocurrency investments.  You may be blindly following the instructions they give you, and have no idea you have crossed the line into even more serious illegal activities.

How to Avoid Putting Yourself in Danger

Do not think you are safe because you made the first contact.  Dating websites, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and other sites are full of fake profiles of people who are just waiting for someone to "bite."  I have often seen Twitter profiles that say something like, "Honest, Christian man looking for friendship."  It may sound nice, but you do not know if any of what it says is true!

Do not reveal too much about yourself when you connect with someone online.  The more they know about you, the easier it is for them to manipulate you or try to steal your identity.  Do not tell them details about yourself including your birthdate, where you went to school, your last name, or the names of family members.  Even the name of your pet should be avoided, especially if you have used it in a password or as an identity question.

Do not give them intimate photos.  They could use the photos to blackmail you, which is sometimes called sextortion.  They could also simply sell the photos on the internet and make money that way.  You may not even know that they are profiting off the photos or personal items you have sent them.

Do not send anyone you do not know personally any cash, cryptocurrency, gift cards or reloadable debit cards.  You will never get the money back.  If you want to send money legitimately, for example to a friend or family member, write them a check or use a legitimate money service such as PayPal.  At least if a check gets stolen, you have the opportunity to cancel it. 

Romance Frauds Can Be Financially Devastating

The older you are, the more money you are likely to lose in a romance scam.  While young adults lose an average of about $2,400, someone over the age of 70 loses an average of $9,000.

In the extreme, some people have lost hundreds of thousands of dollars because of romance scams.  Three of the women who fell for the Tender Swindler, Simon Leviev, were among those who have lost that much.  They are intelligent, attractive, successful women who never dreamed they could fall for a scam, but they did.  You can learn more about what he did by watching the Netflix video called "The Tender Swindler."  It is horrifying! 

Warning Signs of Romance Scams

They send you a "too-good-to-be-true" photo which makes them look like a model or a movie star.  Often, these are photos they found of someone else online, and it isn't even them!

The person wants to chat with you privately, off the dating or social media site.  They suggest text messages, emails or phone calls right away.  

They "love bomb" you, or  sweep you away with lots of attention.   They act as if they are obsessed with you, which can feel very flattering, especially if you are lonely.

They tell you about their financial problems until you offer to "loan" them money, OR they suggest "guaranteed investments" which you are supposed to keep secret.  This is how they get you to send them money without telling your family members what you are doing. 

They keep suggesting you meet in person, but find reasons to cancel.  On the other hand, they behave like an obsessed fan and actually do show up at your home.  This can be even more scary and dangerous.   The "Tender Swindler" met women in person, "love bombed" them, told them he was the son of a billionaire, borrowed money he promised to pay back, and then disappeared.

How to Recover from a Romance Scam

Many people are so humiliated by what happened to them, they are afraid to admit it or tell anyone. Elderly men and women have been known to keep it secret from their adult children, because they do not want to be told they are no longer able to handle their own finances.  Young adults are afraid to tell their parents, for fear they will be told they were idiots to fall for the scammer.

Whatever your age, you can recover from a romance scam.  A good place to start is by reading the book, "Love on the Line: How to Recover from Romance Scams Gracefully and Without Victimization Extended."  (Ad) It will help guide you in recovering mentally and emotionally from what happened and, hopefully, prevent it from ever happening again. 

How to Find a Legitimate Romance Online

Of course, many people really do find love and legitimate connections on dating websites, including two of my daughters.  Not everyone you meet online is trying to cheat you.  So, how do you make sure you are only connecting with the right kind of people?

Only communicate through the dating site as long as possible.  

Take things slowly, and ask a lot of questions to make sure they are a good match for you.  Pay attention to their answers and notice any inconsistencies.  They may not be a scammer, but you also want to make sure they are not married or lying to you in other ways.

Discuss the prospective dating matches with your friends and family and see if they notice any problems.  Pay attention to their concerns.

Check out the other person's profile photo using Google's image search.  If you find the same photo with a different name, it is a red flag that the person is not who they say they are.

Do a Google search of phrases from overly flirtatious, romantic emails they send.  Make sure they have not copied their love letters from other websites. This is a good way to spot a romance scam.  They often use the same or similar emails and messages over and over again.

If everything else seems OK and you decide to meet, do NOT tell them where you live.  Meet at a neutral public location, such as a coffee shop or restaurant, that is not in your neighborhood.  Take a friend along, even if they sit at another table to watch out and make sure everything goes OK. 

Let friends and/or family members know where you are going and when you expect to return.  This is true even if you are in your 60s or 70s. You are never too old to practice being cautious!  

Watch your beverages so no one can slip a drug into your drink. Older adults did not worry about being drugged in a public place when we were young, so we may not be accustomed to keeping an eye on our drinks.  However, today it is a serious concern.

Suggest that your first few dates are "group" dates, with both of you bringing friends and/or family along.  This will help you both feel more comfortable before you begin to date one-on-one.  If the other person refuses a group gathering, where you can get to know their friends, that is a huge red flag. 

If everything continues to go well, you may have found a successful match through the dating site.  

If something goes wrong and you believe the person is lying or putting you at risk, notify the dating site about what happened.  This could help protect others from going through the same bad experience.

You can also report a scam to the FBI's Internet Crime Complaint Center and the FTC.

Have fun and enjoy meeting new people.  Just maintain a healthy degree of caution for a long time. 

Have you found a legitimate new love in your life?  You can find gifts in my Etsy Store, DeborahDianGifts.  There are a wide variety of gifts to choose from, too.  Check it out here:    

http://www.etsy.com/shop/DeborahDianGifts

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Stop Scammers, Spot Fraud and Report It - Learn How!

It seems as though the older I get the more often I hear from a friend or neighbor who has been the victim of fraud.  The criminals who create these scams are ruthless.  They can seem friendly, charming and caring but, in reality, they do not hesitate to cheat their victims, even if their victim is a widow or someone living on a small fixed income.  Of course, one of the most famous cases of fraud was Bernie Madoff, who is thought to have committed the biggest financial fraud of all time.  Even though Bernie Madoff is now serving time in federal prison, cases of fraud still create financial hardship every day for ordinary people across the country.

The good news is that you do not have to resign yourself to being just one more hapless victim.  You can take action to make sure this never happens to you and, perhaps, help authorities shut down some of these scams so they do not harm other people.  Here are some of the things we all need to know.

Common Scams Targeting Senior Citizens

1.  Grandparent Scam - One of my closest friends fell victim to this scam. The way it works is that an imposter calls your home, pretending to be a grandchild in trouble. The "teen" is usually crying hysterically, so it is difficult to make out their voice.  They start the conversation by saying, "Grandma (or Grandpa)," after which many senior citizens will respond with the name of one of their grandchildren.  The scammer takes it from there, pretending to be that person.  In some cases, the scammer has already learned the name of your grandchildren and other details about your family from social media, before they ever call you, so they are even more convincing. In the case of my friend, she and her husband, a retired Sheriff's Deputy, wired $5,000 to another country to "rescue" one of their grandchildren.  In truth, her grandchild was here in the U.S., at work, not in any kind of trouble, and had never been in the country where they wired the money.  If my friend had taken just a few minutes to text their grandchild on his cell phone, or call his parents, they could have saved themselves from becoming victims.  However, like thousands of other victims, they were so distressed by the call, they rushed to "help" their grandchild as quickly as they could.  If this has happened to you, do not be ashamed.  These people are convincing.  If even a retired Sheriff's Deputy can become a victim of this type of crime, it is easy to see how anyone can fall for it.

2.  The IRS or Missed Jury Duty fines and Similar Scams - I have received these calls myself. The way they work is that a stranger calls and insists you owe money to the IRS, or you missed your assigned jury duty, or you failed to pay a utility bill, and you must pay a fine immediately or risk arrest or other penalties.  In real life, these agencies do not call people and threaten them.  If one of these agencies actually needs to contact you, they will first send you a letter.  On the rare occasions when one of these agencies or services does call, it is usually after they have already corresponded with you by mail or email.  Even if you do owe them money, they will never insist that you pay them within a few hours. They will never ask you to immediately wire them money or pay them in gift cards or other unusual ways. As a result, it is important that you never rush to send money to a stranger, no matter what government agency or private company they say they represent.  Call the agency or company at the direct number they list on your bill if you have a question and believe you may actually owe them money.

3.  Sweepstakes and Lottery Scams - Everyone hopes to win money, but what if someone claims you won a prize in a contest you don't even remember entering?  What if they say they will only send you the winnings if you first mail them a fee or payment of some kind?  Never give out personal information or credit card numbers over the phone or online to a stranger, even if they tell you they will send you a large prize in return.  Never rush to a store to buy gift cards or cashier's checks to pay for a prize.  In fact, never purchase gift cards to pay for any gift, prize or fee.  It almost always means they do not want to accept normal types of payments, which only happens when they are doing something dishonest.

4.  "Free Lunch" Investment Scams - If you live in a retirement community, you almost certainly have been sent countless offers of a free lunch at a local restaurant in return for listening to a sales pitch about annuities or other investment opportunities.  Often, this becomes a "hard sell" in which the presenter tells you that this is a "limited time" offer.  Never make major financial decisions in a hurry.  Always talk to a variety of legitimate investment advisors before investing your retirement savings with someone at one of these lunches, and check their references.  While many honest sales people do use these lunches in order to find new clients, it should be a red flag if they are too pushy and eager to force you to sign up and invest immediately with them.  Take your time.

5.  Romance Scams - One of the most heartbreaking types of scams are those in which a person pretends to care for you but, unfortunately, really just wants to trick you into giving them money.  This can happen in a variety of ways ... it could be people you already know, people you meet through a dating site, or someone who has reached out through other means of contact.  I have even seen people on sites like Twitter post that they are only there to "meet someone special."  The best advice is to never loan money to anyone, including family members, if you cannot afford to lose the money forever. If you cannot give it to them "for fun and for free," it is probably wise not to give it away at all.  In particular, do not loan money to people you do not know well, no matter how much they insist they love you, would never do anything to hurt you, etc.  Many older people, especially women, have lost thousands of dollars to unscrupulous people who claimed to be in love with them.  Often these scammers spend weeks or months gaining your confidence and then ask for a loan because of some "unexpected" problem, such as getting stranded in another country.  Do not be fooled.  These people are adept at playing the "long con", and they could be corresponding online with a dozen other people, or more, at the same time.  You do not want to be one more of their victims.

6.  Phony Charities - It is almost always best to limit your donations to organizations which you know. If you are unsure about them, there are online sites such as charitynavigator.org where you can verify which ones are legitimate.  In addition, you should know that it is unusual for most major charities to call your home and ask you to donate money to help orphans, police officers, firefighters or the sick, especially if you have never donated to that charity in the past.  If you are tempted to help one of these organizations, ask them to mail you an information packet. This will give you time to investigate the organization before making a final decision. Do not let a caller intimidate you into making a hasty decision over the phone. Anytime you feel pressured, hang up.

7.  Tech Department and Help Desk calls - No matter how often we have tried to stop it, my husband and I, as well as many of our friends, continue to get calls from strangers who say they are with with the tech department or help desk for Google, IBM, Dell, Apple or similar companies.  They always claim they are just calling to "help" us solve a problem we never knew we had.  Obviously, these callers must succeed in getting people to pay them for their non-existent "help" or they would not keep doing it.  Put a note next to all your phones: "Technology companies and computer companies will NOT call you unless you contacted them with a specific problem first."  The best thing you can do is just hang up on these people and block their phone numbers to make it harder for them to keep calling you.

8. Medicare Fraud - This can take many forms, including doctors who overcharge Medicare for treatments you did not receive, as well as people who steal your Medicare number and use it to obtain medical care in your name.  Both activities are illegal and, if you suspect someone has committed these crimes, it should be reported to the Social Security Administration and/or the Office of the Inspector General.

9. Identity Theft and Computer Hacking - A particularly frightening crime is that you could become the victim of identity theft or have your computer hacked and never realize it happened until it is too late.  These people can cheat you without ever personally contacting you.  Fortunately, there are ways to protect yourself from this type of crime, too.  The best way is to make your online identity as invisible as possible.  You can start by  a book such as:  "200+ Ways to Protect Your Privacy: Simple Ways to Prevent Hacks and Protect Your Privacy - On and Offline." Follow their suggestions and you will make it much more difficult for someone who is trying to secretly steal your information.

Common Scams Targeting Veterans

In addition to the scams mentioned above, veterans face their own unique types of scams.  These include: offers of cash now in exchange for turning over your future benefits to someone else; offers to help you change your investments in order to qualify for higher government benefits; phony charities which promise to help veterans; and ID theft by people who pretend to work for the VA and request your Social Security number or other personal information.  If you have a question about calls you have received, contact the Department of Veteran's Affairs directly to make sure anyone who contacts you is offering a legitimate service.

More Ways to Protect Yourself from Scams

Register your phones with the Do Not Call List:

https://www.donotcall.gov

If you receive a questionable phone call on your mobile phone, you can easily block the number so they cannot keep calling you from that number.  They may keep trying, using a different phone number each time they call, but eventually they will run out of numbers and the calls will stop. Contact your phone carrier for your land line to find out how to block these calls on your home phone.

Check out charities at:

www.give.org
http://charitycheck101.org
charitynavigator.org

Investigate financial advisors at:

https://brokercheck.finra.org or (800) 289-9999
http://www.nasaa.org-us

Report Scams and Questionable Phone Calls to the Authorities

Whether you have become a victim of a scam or just believe someone was trying to cheat you, report these incidents to your local police or Sheriff's Department, as well as your state Attorney General's office and the Better Business Bureau.  In addition, depending on the incident, you may also want to report it to one of the following agencies:

Securities and Exchange Commission:  https://www.sec.gov

Mail Fraud: https://postalinspectors.uspis.gov/investigations/MailFraud/MailFraud.aspx
(626) 304-7164

Medicare Fraud:  Call (800) MEDICARE or (800) 633-4227

Federal Trade Commission: 

https://www.ftccomplaintassistant.gov
(877) FTC-HELP
(877) 382-4357

Do Not Be Embarrassed if you are the Victim of Fraud

The people who plan and implement these scams are very sophisticated.  They believe that if they try over and over again with enough people, they only need to defraud a few of them in order to make it financially worthwhile to them.  They practice their approach over and over again.  Because of their persistence, there is no shame in falling victim to these thieves.  They can be very charming and convincing.

In addition, the people who cheat you out of your money may actually be relatives or trusted friends.  Before you hand a friend a credit card or loan them money, ask yourself if you can afford to take a loss.  If not, make whatever excuse you need in order to avoid giving them access to your funds.  It may strain a relationship, but not as much as it would if they cheated you.

Do not be embarrassed to report what happened to you.  The money you lose is rarely recovered, especially if it is a phone scam that originated overseas, but if these people are allowed to keep up their behavior, they may repeatedly cheat you out of money or they may scam other people.  Reporting them to authorities is the best way to protect yourself and others.

If you are interested in learning more about financial planning, Social Security, Medicare, where to retire in the US and abroad, common medical problems and more, use the tabs or pull-down menu at the top of the page to find links to hundreds of additional helpful articles.

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