Healing Relationships with Your Adult Children

Many Baby Boomers grew up in constant conflict with our parents.  We talked about the Generation Gap and changing lifestyles.  We demonstrated against the war in Vietnam and the values of the 1950's.  We insisted that "the times they were a changin'." However, as the years went by, most of us were able to heal our family misunderstandings and eventually maintain some kind of a relationship with our parents.

Some Baby Boomers are Now Estranged from their Children

Sadly, now it is our generation's turn to be on the receiving end of resentment felt by our children.  Surveys indicate that a significant number of Baby Boomers have grown up to become parents who are estranged from their own grown children.  In an article entitled "The Stranger in Your Family," in the April/May 2012 issue of AARP Magazine, the author discussed the increasing number of Baby Boomers who feel estranged from their grown children. 

Causes of Family Estrangements

Several experts in the AARP article mention that they have seen increasing numbers of parents whose adult children have cut communications with them.  In these families, children rarely, if ever, contact their parents and they sometimes do not accept the parents' attempts to contact them.  There can be several reasons for this. It could have started with conflict during the teenage years or a sense that the parents disapprove of their adult children.

However it began, one reason the article gave for the estrangements is that society and therapists now encourage people to only stay in relationships that feel good to them.  Therefore, if being around their parents causes these young adults to feel uncomfortable, unhappy, or guilty, they simply choose to stay away.  If they believe their parents are controlling or critical, the young person feels justified in avoiding these negative relationships, often with the support of their therapist.

Reading this AARP article made me feel sad, despite the fact that I have been able to maintain strong relationships with my own adult daughters and step-daughters.  I know how painful these estrangements can be, because I have several friends who are going through this.

How to Heal a Broken Relationship with Your Adult Children

In reading the article's suggestions for healing estrangements, I realized that I have already incorporated some of them into the way I have dealt with our own daughters.  Because this is such a difficult topic for many parents, I thought I would reiterate some of the things that experts believe can help:

Do not criticize your adult kids.  They are more sensitive than you realize.  If you don't like something you are hearing, simply say things like, "Hmmm," "You could be right," "That's interesting," "It will be interesting to see how that turns out," and "I hope everything works out for you."

Do not compare your children.  Appreciate their uniqueness.  Your children could have careers ranging from actor to scientist.  Never point out how much better off one is than the other.  Every career has its advantages and disadvantages.  Give them the dignity to figure out their own paths.

If you have a suggestion, make it once.  If they seem to misunderstand it, clarify it once.  Then drop it and never bring it up again, unless they ask you to repeat it or explain it.  Don't give unsolicited advice, especially about how to raise their kids.

If you accidentally offend them in any way, apologize.  Don't just tell them that you are sorry.  Tell them that their decisions only affect them, not you, so you shouldn't have said anything.  (OK, you may have to swallow your pride on that one.  That's why saying "Hmmm" a lot will keep you out of trouble!)

Accept your children.  Accept that they can have different ideas, different religions, different political beliefs, different sexual orientations, and different attitudes about money and life ... and that is OK.  You don't have to live like they do.  Enjoy watching their lives from the sidelines, much as you would a scandalous soap opera!

Celebrate their successes.  Don't mention their failures.

The Benefits of Accepting Your Adult Children and Their Choices

It isn't always easy to live by this creed and sometimes you have to bite your tongue a lot, but it is worthwhile.  Like most parents, I have watched our adult children go through stages that left me shaking my head.  However, today I love being invited to spend time with them as they help their own kids choose their colleges, and pick out prom dresses.  I love being included in trips with our adult children.  I think they have finally reached the point where they feel comfortable that I will not criticize them if things go wrong or if they make mistakes.  I can shrug things off and admit that things don't always work out for me, either.  They feel like equals in our relationship, and that's all adult children really want.

What to Do If You Are Estranged From Your Children

If you have been estranged from your children, be patient.  You will have to work hard to let them know that you no longer feel critical of them and that you accept them just as they are.  They may test you by flaunting behaviors that annoy you, just to see if you can avoid commenting.  You will have to be very careful, especially at first.

Meanwhile, send them birthday and Christmas cards, but don't lay a guilt trip on them if they seem to ignore the cards and not reciprocate.  Invite them to family occasions, but don't get upset if they don't always show up.  Send an apology, if necessary, for your past actions or hurtful words.  Take it slowly, and things will usually improve, although it could take years.

If you are interested in more information for Baby Boomers about improving family relationships, where to retire, financial planning, potential medical issues and more, use the tabs or pull down menu at the top of the page to find links to hundreds of additional articles.

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Electronic Social Security Payments Only Option Since 2013

Beginning in 2013, the federal government ceased sending payments by check for any benefit program, including Social Security.

If you are one of the 90% of Social Security recipients who already received your payments electronically, this recent policy change by the federal government did not affect you.  However, if you are among the 10% who were getting a Social Security, veterans' benefit, railroad pension or federal disability payment by check, you needed to make arrangements to accept those payments electronically.  If you are new to Social Security, you will have to decide which electronic method you prefer for receiving your benefits.

How to Receive Your Social Security Benefits Electronically

There are two ways to receive your payments.  You can either have them direct deposited into your bank account, or you can ask to be sent a debit card and the federal government will deposit your funds onto the debit card each month. 

There are significant advantages to the federal government with these changes.  First, the government saves about $120 million a year by not being required to deal with paper checks.  Social Security will save approximately $1 billion per decade.  This procedure for electronic payments is also safer for individuals.  In 2010, over 540,000 federal benefit checks were reported lost or stolen.

However, for some elderly people who do not have bank accounts or who are not used to electronic payments, there could be some difficulty getting used to handling their benefits electronically.  Those individuals will receive a debit card and they will have to use it to get cash from a bank or use it to make purchases.  Although there will be no charge to make purchases, the bank can charge them a fee for cash withdrawals.

If you have an elderly parent who may be impacted by the changes, you can get more information at 1-800-333-1795 or at the government website, http://www.godirect.org/.

If you want to stay up-to-date with other retirement information, use the tabs or pull down menu at the top of the page to find links to hundreds of additional articles on retirement planning, where to retire, health issues, family relationships and more.

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Simplify Your Life for Retirement

As most of us approach retirement, we look forward to spending our free time doing all the things we have wanted to do for many years.  Now is the time when we can go to the beach, go fishing, spend time camping and hunting, write books, read books and enjoy all manner of relaxing pursuits.

However, if we want to make these things happen, one of the things most of us must consider is how to simplify our life.  We need to cut back on our expenses, and find ways to do the things we enjoy in the most affordable way possible.

This simplification can be a very empowering experience, as we learn ways to make life a little easier.  Below are some of the steps you may need to do before your retire, so that you can afford to relax once you stop working.

How to Simplify Your Life and Enjoy Your Retirement

Cut Your Housing Costs -- Can you move to a less expensive place?  Downsizing would not only save you money on mortgage and taxes, but also save you money on utilities.  Are there other housing costs that you can reduce?  For example, can you switch to a less expensive cable TV system; or use a Magic Jack rather than a traditional telephone line?  Look for all the ways you can cut your housing expenses to the bare minimum.

Consider Moving to a Retirement Community -- There are many reasons why moving to a retirement community could help you simplify your life.  Depending on the community, many of them have affordable housing, low cost or free entertainment, and a wide variety of ways to stay mentally and physically active.

Cut Other Costs -- Can you cut back on auto expenses, restaurant meals, cell phones bills, internet, etc?  Think of cost cutting as an adventure, and work together to find all the ways you can reduce your expenses.

Find Inexpensive Hobbies -- Whether you decide to stay in your current home or move to a retirement community, find hobbies that you can afford to enjoy. Whether you take up walking in your neighborhood, swim in the public pool in your community, see movies during low-cost matinees, join a book club, or take free classes, there are many activities available to senior citizens that are free or very low cost.

The Advantages of Simplifying your Life

When you cut your costs, you may find that you are also making your life easier in several ways.  For example, if you reduce the size of your residence, you will also need to spend less time cleaning and maintaining it. This alone will enable you to spend more time in leisure pursuits.

If you cut your expenses, you may find that you have less stress over your financial situation.  It may also enable you to retire a little sooner than you thought possible.

Don't wait until after you have quit your job.  Start simplifying your life as soon as you begin planning your retirement, so you have a realistic picture of how much money you need to live, and what it will take to really enjoy your post-retirement years.

If you are interested in learning about other ways to get the most out of your retirement, use the tabs or pull down menu at the top of the page to find links to hundreds of additional articles about financial planning, where to retire, health issues that can arise in retirement, changing family relationships and more.

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How to Cope with Death and Grief

As we age, we all face the fact that there is a finish line looming up ahead.  At some point, we will need to not only accept our own impending death, but also the deaths of those we love.  As much as we don't like to think about these events, it can be helpful to have a better understanding of how to cope with death when the situation arises.

Recognize the Five Stages of Grief

In 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross interviewed hundreds of dying patients, and used the results to write a book called "On Death and Dying." (available from Amazon).  In her landmark book, she listed what she considered the five stages of grief that most people will experience.  She learned that, while everyone will experience at least some of the stages, not everyone will experience all of them.  She also noticed that some people may spend a long time alternating between just two or three of the stages.  It may also take certain people much longer to reach the final stage of acceptance than others.

Whether you are facing your own death, or coping with the death of a loved one, it is important to understand and recognize the different stages of grief that we might be experiencing.  The stages are:

Denial -- refusing to admit that anything is wrong.

Anger -- raging against God, doctors or anything that may have contributed to the health problem.

Bargaining -- begging your Higher Power for more time; promising to change future behavior.

Depression -- feeling helpless, hopeless and despondent. 

Acceptance -- willingness to prepare for the inevitable, including finalizing plans, writing letters to those who will be left behind, talking about your good memories, etc.

Accepting the Inevitability of Death

Death is something we will all have to face at one time or another ... whether it is our own death, or that of a loved one.  Most of us will experience at least some of these stages of grief.  It is helpful to understand what we are going through, and realize that we will eventually pass through these different stages and reach acceptance, no matter how hard that may be to believe.

Once we reach the stage of acceptance, we can begin to take constructive action.  If you are the person who has been told you have a terminal disease, you may want to read my article called:

Redesigning Death - Bringing Joy to Your Final Days

This article offers a number of tips on how you can change the mood surrounding your death, so that you can make things easier for yourself and your loved ones.

If the death is that of a loved one, it can sometimes be even more difficult to reach the stage of acceptance.  The article on Redesigning Death is also a good way to open up the conversation about how to celebrate that person's life, rather than focus on their death ... as hard as that may be to think about.

If someone you care about is experiencing the death of someone they love, be patient with them and recognize that it may take some time to go through the various stages of grief.  There is no way to hurry the process.  The best things you can do for your friend is to be there for them, listen, and let them take their time processing the situation.

If you are interested in more articles of interest to Baby Boomers, use the tabs or pull down menu at the top of the page for links to hundreds of additional articles.

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Keeping Romance Alive After 60

Last night my husband took me on a date to the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.  He wouldn't tell me why we were going to a cemetery on a date, or what we were doing there until we pulled into the gates and found a parking spot near the graves.  He wanted the evening he had carefully planned to be a surprise!

We were there to see the actor, Val Kilmer perform in a one man show called "Citizen Twain,"  a play about humorist Mark Twain. Val Kilmer wrote, directed, produced and was the sole performer in the play ... although he was accompanied at times by four live musicians.  He was performing his play at the cemetery because, as he pointed out, Mark Twain is dead!  The Masonic Lodge at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Hollywood, California also has a nice, private upstairs theater that seats about 220 - 250 people.  Val Kilmer strolled up and down the aisles and mingled with the audience as he performed, so nearly everyone was able to see well and feel close in these intimate surroundings.

The Element of Surprise can Enhance Your Marriage

My husband and I had never been to such a unique performance, and definitely had never been to a play at a cemetery.  Even though we are both in our 60's, this was a first for both of us ... which is exactly what my husband wanted.  Although we have been married over 40 years, he still likes to surprise me with special dates that are unique and interesting. 

On another occasion, he took me to a mystery dinner theater, where the wait staff were all members of the cast.  After the lights were momentarily dimmed, we watched in mock horror as one member of the cast was found "dead" on the dining room floor.  All of our waiters and waitresses were suspects.  Slowly, the dinner guests unraveled the mystery.  It was delightful.

My husband has also surprised me with concert tickets, tickets to musicals, and dinners at unusual restaurants.  He doesn't plan a major surprise every month; only, perhaps, once or twice a year.  However, when he does, it is always a delight.

Find Ways to Bring Fun into Your Marriage

There are other ways that a couple can enjoy fun activities together.  Perhaps you like to travel, go camping, sailing or walking on the beach.  Do you share a love of great food, animals, or artwork?

When elderly couples are interviewed and asked the reason for their long marriages, they nearly always say that it is important to have a sense of humor.  More than anything, it is important to find activities that make you laugh together.

Laughter seems to be closely entwined with romance.  Having fun should be a focus of every couple.

Snuggle Frequently

Of course, it is also romantic to hug, kiss, snuggle and engage in all the forms of physical contact that the two of you enjoy.  Couples who never touch frequently grow apart. 

Sometimes, in our busy lives, we can fall into a routine that makes us feel like we are living with a roommate rather than a romantic partner.  Every couple should take the time to, at the very least, kiss and hug as often as possible.

Do Not Forget Romantic Occasions

Few things can damage that romantic feeling more than a forgotten anniversary, birthday, Valentine's Day or special occasion.  While those days may not seem like a big deal to you, they can be very important to your partner. 

You don't have to make a big deal out of every holiday.  However, it is important to acknowledge them as an opportunity to show your love and appreciation for your partner ... even if it is only with a homemade card or drugstore box of candy.

Marriages Should Not Become Dull and Stagnant

My point is that marriage and other relationships do not have to become stale and stagnant after a couple has been together a long time.  You can still find ways to keep your romance alive and feeling new.  It is never too late to come up with a romantic surprise of your own!


For additional ideas about enjoying life after sixty, use the tabs or pull down menu at the top of this page for links to hundreds of additional articles on changing family relationships, where to retire, financial planning and more.

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