How to Have a Happy Marriage After Retirement

Causes of Gray Divorce

Divorce after the age of 50, also know as gray divorce, is becoming more common ... sometimes because of the stress placed on a relationship by retirement.  A marriage that was difficult when one or both spouses were working can become unbearable when two people find themselves together most of the day.

Even if they don't divorce, many people who thought their spouse was simply a little annoying before they retired now find themselves living in misery afterwards.  As a woman in her 60's, I have several married women friends who dread having their husbands retire.  They feel they will never have time to themselves again and that everything they do will be constantly critiqued and criticized ... especially if their husband starts telling them how to run the house. I have known men who suddenly began to "instruct" their wife on the right way to load the dishwasher, vacuum the carpet, or do the laundry.  Whether this is true in your relationship or not, just the fear of it often puts the wives on edge, making them irritable and unhappy about the prospect of retirement.

Another problem that can come up is that some couples may have different expectations about retirement.  For example, the wife may expect that her husband will help more with the household chores.  He may expect that she will now start playing golf or tennis with him more often.  When these things don't materialize, it can cause disappointment, resentment and bitterness.

Another common issue is social dependency.  The husband may want the wife to focus all her attention on him, especially if he has few friends now that he is no longer working.  The wife, however, may have already developed a large social group that she enjoys seeing on a regular basis.  This can also cause jealousy and resentment.

I felt this was an important topic to address in a retirement blog, so I decided to do a little research into ideas that might alleviate some of the fear and resolve many of the issues regarding marital compatibility after retirement.  An important aspect of retirement planning is to feel confident that your relationships will be pleasant, too.  While you may not want to try everything I discovered and list below, it could be worth it to at least give a few of these suggestions a try.

How to Get Along with Your Spouse After Retirement

*  Both the husband and wife should find ways to be of service.  Helping others is rewarding and especially benefits those people who feel they do not have much value after they leave their jobs.  Having self-worth is important for nearly everyone, whether they are retired or not.  In addition, being busy and having activities that give structure to your free time can make your life more enjoyable.

*  Some people who are ready to retire from their lifelong career may wish to continue to work in some other capacity.  This could mean that you keep your current job, but only do it part-time; or it may mean choosing an entirely different career.  It might even be possible to find an encore career in which you are both of service to others and earn an extra income at the same time.  The website encore.org can help you find a second career with service organizations in your area.  In addition to helping you feel of service and giving you the opportunity to interact with other people in meaningful ways, working can also relieve any financial stress that might have been brought on by retirement. 

*  Even if it requires marriage counseling, every couple needs to learn how to accommodate each other and avoid hurting each others feelings.  If you have been hurting each other for years, it could take time to re-learn the ways you used to enjoy spending time with each other.  After all, there has to be a reason why the two of you got married in the first place.  Once you manage to get back those feelings, you will be glad that you now have a kinder, gentler, more loving relationship.  If you plan to be happy during the decade or two that you are likely to live together after retirement, both people need to find ways to fulfill their social, spiritual and emotional needs within the marriage.

*  At the same time that you are working on building a better relationship with your spouse, both people also need to develop their own individual, personal interests and respect their spouse's independence.  Both of you need to have the free time to do the things that you enjoy.

*  Sit down and talk with each other about your expectations after retirement.  See which expectations you both agree to ... such as he will take responsibility for certain chores and she will join him in certain activities.  Set up a calendar so you both know what will be going on each day.  For example, on Tuesdays she plays bridge and he plays golf.  On Wednesday afternoons, they go together to a movie.  Avoid nagging your spouse to give up an activity they enjoy, simply because you want them to do the things you like.  They deserve to have time to enjoy their retirement, too!

*  Find some individual space for each person within your home.  He may want a home office; she may want a craft or sewing room ... or the opposite could be true.   Each person needs to have a place they can call "their own" within the home ... even if that space occasionally has to do double duty as a guest room for a visiting adult child.

*  Continue to read, talk to each other and learn as much as you can about how to get along after retirement.  You may both need a "refresher course" from time to time, especially after an argument or a period of high stress. In addition, you could find the articles below helpful.

Sources:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5018_qa.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/09/divorce-after-50-retirement_n_3286342.html

http://www.usatoday.com/story/money/personalfinance/2013/11/05/retirement-couples-happy/2918023/

http://www.encore.org/

For more help with retirement planning, use the tabs at the top of this post for links to hundreds of additional articles.

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Photo credit:  www.morguefile.com

Coping with Divorce after 50 - Gray Divorce

More and more older couples are discovering that they no longer see eye-to-eye.  In fact, while the overall divorce rate in the United States has decreased since 1990, it has actually doubled for couples over the age of 50!  This trend has come to be called gray divorce, and it is creating serious problems for many baby boomers.

According to a report in the June 2012 issue of the AARP Bulletin entitled "Life After Divorce" approximately one in three baby boomers will be unmarried during their senior years, sometimes because of death, but often because of divorce. 

Reasons Older Couples Divorce

You may have read about two giant turtles at an Austrian zoo that have been inseparable for the past 115 years ... until recently.  Now they cannot be left alone in the same cage.  She even bit him and took a large chunk out of his shell!  If this kind of disharmony can occur in animals after many years, the same can happen with humans.  In addition to general irritability with one another, after the children have been raised some couples feel there is no longer a reason for them to stay together.  They want to try new things and explore new opportunities.  In other cases, working women in unhappy relationships have discovered that they do not have to stay married.  They are capable of supporting themselves.

Consequences of a Late Divorce

The consequences of a divorce late in life can be serious.  The couple must split their assets, and this can create financial hardship for both the husband and wife.  Because they are older, they also have less time to recover financially.  The home may be sold, and the equity divided.  Neither person may have enough assets to buy another home like the one they shared together. 

Women in particular, who often earn less money than men and have a greater life expectancy after retirement, are at a much greater risk of poverty.  An extra burden on women, in particular, is that they often end up as caregivers for their own parents or elderly relatives. 

However, late divorces can create stressful living situations for men, as well.  If the men have not stayed close to their children over the years, they can sometimes end up alone, with no one to take care of them as they age.  Currently, according to the AARP article, up to half of the 5.4 million people who have been diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease have no identifiable caregiver!

Coping with Gray Divorce

Unlike turtles, humans are coming up with creative solutions to resolve some of the problems that come up when they no longer want to live with their spouse.  In some cases, divorced Baby Boomers are intentionally moving in with their elderly parents.  This provides them with a home, and enables them to be caregivers for their parents.  Other divorced Boomers are taking in boarders, or moving into roommate situations.  There are also retirement villages where older singles can own their own separate condos, but have a community of friends who will help them out, when necessary.  Low income divorced seniors can apply for senior housing, although there is a waiting list for it in many areas.

As difficult as these transistions can be as people age, many Baby Boomers are finding that they are able to survive and even thrive after a late in life divorce.  How things work out for any one individual often depends on how well they have prepared for this possibility.

If you are interested in more helpful articles for Baby Boomers, use the tabs or pull down menu at the top of the page to find links to hundreds of additional articles about retirement planning, financial issues, changing family relationships, or where to retire.

You are reading from the blog: http://www.baby-boomer-retirement.com

Photo courtesy of www.morguefile.com/

Gray Divorce or Divorce After 50

Divorce Happens at All Ages
(photo by morguefile.com)

Many people assume that their marriage problems will smooth out as they get older.  However, there are indications that this may not always be the case.  According to the National Center for Family and Marriage Research from Bowling Green State University, the number of couples who are getting divorced after the age of 50 has doubled in the past 20 years.  Baby Boomers are getting divorced even at the stage of their lives when they had once envisioned themselves traveling, having fun and living in empty-nest tranquility.

In 2008, over 300,000 couples over the age of 50 got divorced, and the number is expected to continue to increase in coming years.

What will be the consequences of these late-in-life divorces, sometimes called Gray Divorce?  For many couples, their already fragile retirement savings will be further depleted.  Homes and other real estate will be sold and any profits will be shared; retirement accounts will be split; investments, savings accounts and other assets will have to be divided.  This will put Baby Boomers who stay single in even worse financial condition than they were during their marriage.  They may also have difficulty selling their real estate if they get divorced during a bad real estate market.

On the other hand, some of those divorcing Baby Boomers can expect to remarry.  In fact, many boomers who are getting divorced are already on their second or third marriage, and are likely to marry again.  Therefore, getting divorced after 50 does not necessarily mean that you will spend the remainder of your life alone.

However, any couple who gets divorced late in life needs to consult with both an attorney and a financial planner, especially if they want to make sure that both of them will have adequate assets to survive, particularly if they do remain alone for the remainder of their lives.  Both partners need to have a clear understanding of their expected retirement income from Social Security and pensions, as well as the amount of income they can expect to receive from any investments they may have.

The majority of people in a gray divorce will need to carefully evaluate their situation and make sure they fully understand their finances and immediately take steps to preserve as many of their assets as possible and make whatever adjustments are necessary to their cost of living.

They also need to discuss the situation with their adult children and work out arrangements for holiday visits and other family events, so that everyone will be as comfortable as possible.  Divorce counseling is highly recommended, so you can discuss issues such as how you will treat each other (and your ex-spouse's potential future spouse or dates) at family events such as weddings, graduations, the birth of grandchildren, etc.

If you are looking for additional information about retirement planning, use the tabs or pull down menu at the top of this page to find links to hundreds of articles about retirement planning, where to retire, health concerns, family issues, etc.


You are reading from the blog: http://www.baby-boomer-retirement.com.